i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
