Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dude i'm inner monologue high
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
