What did we do last night that was yellow?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
