it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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