Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
