chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
