arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
organizing the empties. That sober.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
