is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
