I wish I could teleport
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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