I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
