dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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