bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
