ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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