I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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