I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I love you. Go after that dick
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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