I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
