The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
