i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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