Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
