she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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