it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
