this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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