Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
