Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
