My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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