can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
