u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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