If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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