And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
