so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
