I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My pussy is not your playground.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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