On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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