nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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