The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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