I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
