My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
