Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
