come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
