so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
