the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
two words: eviction party
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
