the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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