He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
