She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
