dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
