I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
