I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
