Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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