I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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