Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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