i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
