the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
