My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
