Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
