If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
