Don't EVER smell your tampon
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Couch. On fire.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
