Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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